Monday, October 31, 2005
i really think my life sucks...
and coming to think of it...
i tink i have to be independent now...
only considering pocket money from my parents...
it all seems...
i have to provide for my misc needs liao...
take for example...
i have to pay for my archery bow..
yet i want sun glasses...
then i still have my pledge to fulfil...
it sucks so much...
consider 3 months left...
and i still have that much to fulfil..
it all seems its not gonna work...
wenshan said indireectly...
that if i don fulfil the pledge...
ill get cursed...
so wat the heck...
my mom said to me ytd...
i don tink God wants to take ur money... he has the whole world's resources...
HE JUST WANTS TO SEE UR EFFORT!...
seriously...
what i tink is otherwise...
do u actually think...
that God would ask me to pay that much...
rather than asking me to pay less...
when he would noe...
that my maximum effort will reap that!...
i seriously disagree...
so wat the heck...
ill go find a job...
somewhere...
somehow...
have this feeling...
Gods is testing me...
all at the same time...
relationships...
will only come later...
much later...
yet...
dota must stop...
then comes spiritual lessons...
and dreams...
goals...
arggh...
ytd i was so frustrated..
i swear...
i was bathing...
and i punched the wall so hard...
(i dunno for wat)
maybe out of insatiable frustration...
that my hand could have broke...
i flung my head sideways repeatedly...
pulled my hair...
clinging on tightly to life...
having thoughts of suicide...
having thoughts of jumping...
of cutting myself...
severe thoughts of murder...
esp my family...
i was juggling...
between life or death...
between God or satan...
between flesh or spirit...
between good or evil...
i seriously do not noe wat to do...
its just 3 months...
and seriously...
i feel i have not been provided for...
not fully...
maybe u can just say...
40%...
i mean...
u don see me getting a lot of new stuff...
maybe clothes...
only when i need...
the rest?
what i would actually want...
eg.
my discman...
which was the 2nd of fashions that time...
1st was mp3 players...
i wanted that...
but i stuck to mp3 cd players...
well..
and it wasnt from my parents...
rather..
from my aunts instead...
i dunno wats goin on in this world...
wonder if theres anyone out there...
that shares the same thoughts as me...
that shares the same feelings as me..
let him come to me...
so that i might be good frens with him...
HAIZ!.
i feel so depressed now...
hopefully i suffer from it...
and i faint...
and die...
that i don want to go to hell...
grrrr...
- I contemplated at 12:31 pm
