Wednesday, December 14, 2005
today went for my first physics lecture...
waha..
anyways...
thats besides the point of which i wanna blog abt today..
went to esplanade with mich today...
she went to get her piano score book...
then we walked to millenia walk...
on our way there...
we saw conssie...
damit...
my nightmare just became real...
si liao si liao...
visited the candy empire...
(ive got a photo for this one)
and took a pic of the
legendary wonka bar...
(duh i have a pic for this one)
she was eyeing the wonka mud fudge...
bought 1 for her...
but... she didnt want to take it..
unless she paid for it...
haiz...
went to starbucks...
then she was feeling cold...
wanted to hug her...
yet dared not...
im a gutless piece of shit...
i have no guts...
i cant control my mouth..
when can i do all this...
when can i control myself..
when can i stop hurting ppl...
im such a fucking loser...
so ya...
on our way back...
i said 1 wrong thing...
and that hurt her...
i hurt the dearest person to me...
and u noe how that feels...
depressed...
all througout derek's bdae celebration...
couldnt think properly...
i stuffed myself with loads of food...
i play pool... also cannot play properly..
imagine... my 2nd shot...
the black ball went in...
how suay can i get...
i guess depression creeps in too..
plays a part in ur luck...
after that...
came back...
i walked so slowly...
and i felt the orange lamp interesting...
a warm orange feeling..
so warm and comforting..
i stood there for almost 3 mins i guess...
entertaining all sorts of thoughts...
its just so depressing...
walked a bit more...
stared at the nxt lamp...
then more thoughts raced across my mind...
so i decided to take a sit at the park...
sat for around 25 mins brooding over the whole incident...
how can i make it up to u...
i initially planned for a surprise for u...
to give u flowers on ur performance day...
but..
u didnt want to give me the tix in the first place...
haiz...
i guess..
that spoils the surprise...
i took out my ligther...
(i dont smoke)
it was used for derek's bdae cake...
lighted it a few times...
then i stared at it...
entertaining suicidal thoughts if this relationship were to end...
i stared more at it...
the warmth surrounded me...
i dropped the lighter...
i held it for wat seemed eternity...
and it seems that i had burnt my finger...
cooked it perhaps...
well...
depression works shitty wonders...
i constantly looked up to the heavens for a sign...
contanly looked up to see if there were any stars...
any signs to comfort me...
any nice things to look at...
that could remove my depression...
the pain eased away...
yet leaving an irritating sensation of numbness in my finger...
yet when i looked up...
the clouds blocked the clear sky...
leaving no trace of any stars that could have been knitted in the sky...
leaving only the silhouette of the moon...
hanging in the misty sky...
wonder wat it could have meant...
it always seems that every thursday..
i have a serious case of depression...
wonder if i have to take mc again...
to clear this case off...
did it last week and don intend to do it again...
still pondering over this incident...
still brooding over my finger...
wonder if she will forgive me...
or will she leave me forever...
arggh...
if she doesnt forgive me...
i hope i die in the gym tmr...
i hope i die from overstressing my muscles..
hope i die coz i cannot breathe...
i hope i die coz the weights bang on me..
lifes meaningless without you...
cant live without you...
- I contemplated at 11:38 pm
