Sunday, December 03, 2006
u noe wat, just when i thought church was the nicest place to be in. the ppl around it just aint that nice after all. u think people are just smack down to earth nice guys there. WELL IT AINT after seeing all that has happened. i just don get it. ppl really do change. is it really worth it for me to be so nice to ppl? i don see how ppl actually think of me positively anymore.
what actually hurt my feelings was not the spreading issue. but i thought ben at least cared. guess wat he said 'i don care abt your BGR anyway'. so i guess, good feelings only come around in the cell group. i guess everything is fake. i cant solve it. but i guess, now i noe something. u wanna spread, go ahead. if my friendship doesnt count to anyone of u. i don really give a damn any longer. i wont reach out my hand to anyone. fuck off all u losers. spreadings a different issue. looks like i can only trust a certain number of people in the church, less than my fingers can count. then why the fuck do u even bother coming to church. im going to make my friends wisely. starting only and only from jeanette. i don wanna fucking trust other ppl with any other information. fuck lar. im not going to just sit around a bunch of turkeys trying to fly.
to think, this kind of betrayal. haiz, forget abt it. just forget abt it. wats the point. from now on. im just going to be mr nice guy, IF AND ONLY IF, you wanna even have a proper friendship with me. if not. the most ill just say hi to you. i dunno if fake kind of friendship like ben's will even work in the cg. true ppl will tend to like it more. but decieving them is just another factor man. i just don get it.
- I contemplated at 4:17 am
