Friday, March 02, 2007
new url new url. havent told anyone about it yet. anyway. i was feeling super tired at 3 am. and thus i decided to stop maple. (oh yes, for those of u whom do not know, i play maple now. -.-" yea i noe its kinda hard to believe but i feel maple is a good place for interaction and to chat with other people.) then i went to surf the web a little. and found some stuff that stirred up some emotions in me. i felt emptiness in me. what mattered was solely music. my life revolves around music. everything about music. found this new and talented guitarist - andy mckee. hes somewhat like justin king. but his inspiration. is what i would like to have. his music fits his title. awesome. you guys shld check it out in youtube. its there. rylynn is the best of all i have heard. now its almost 6 and i aint tired anymore. sighs. wonder how im gonna help hecateshiroi train tmr. oh well. i better get some rest if i were to train for 2 solid hours tmr before going for cell group with my meimei - alison.
this emptiness in me. i dunno how its like. i feel there are a few close frens near me. sighs. wanna go out with them. but why aint i taking that step to ask them out? im seriously confused. quite weird actually. wanted to go out with constance to catch up on old times. eunice too. ah in case i didnt tell anyone. i hecked abt trevor already. hes none other than a jerk. cant be bothered with him. nonetheless. i don feel anything i feel as if. i really don have any friends. such feelings. quite jia lat. wanna go out with joelle also. go find zangetsu and tensa zangetsu. then teach her abt guitars also. then go find shikibuton - japanese bed. i wanna buy 1. put in my attic. then can sleep there le. if not. sighs. my maid is causing some problems to this household. she is lazy and recently we found out, she has a boyfriend she hasnt met before. wtf? anyway. thats 1 step closer to my dream. to convert my grandmother's room into my own room. how bout this. if my maid goes. i don think my mother wants to hire anyone else. then will only be my grandmother. most probably my mother will ask her to go stay at my aunt's hse. then i gotta move lots of stuff out of that room lo. then convert it into my room. wa. that dream. haha. if not i would be at fusion polis - my second house. yupyup. my mother is investing in a second house. ill try living there for a while or something. anyway, wanted to catch up more with a lot of people. but maple is really digging into my time. ayumi, i promise ill talk to you more often ok? sighs. need to catch up with wenshan also. then again. i need to apply for a job too. wonder how much time ill have sia. sighs.
thinking back again, how many friends do i actually have? whenever i come online. no one IMs me. is it cause of my status? i'll try changing that for 1 day. and we will see how it goes. ill be amazed if more ppl talked to me. lol but they will find me not there. hmmm then wats the point. test test. the only person would be josh. who only IMs me once a month or so? well thats the average i guess. but its the thought that counts.
Emerge is coming soon. trainings! gotta train liao. so many competitions i wanna take part in. gotta read more books
-8 ball pool
-100 m sprint
-5 a side street
-cs torney
-dota torney
-math olympiad
im thinking of taking part in talentime. but what do i have to perform sia. im still not good enough. sighs. need partners! anyone willing to form a band? hmmm. must practice also. so many stuff. whoa thinking again. what if i win a lot of them >< so pai mia. lol. if i even used the correct word.
then again. i feel so confused inside myself. i wonder what im going through. i seriously need someone to talk to, God. i keep telling myself. no matter what happens, God is sufficient. i feel God's love ever so flowing into my life. but can i really live without my friends? i often question myself. do i really have any friends? this question really set me thinking about everything. about whom do i really consider as a friend and how many people actually consider me as a friend. or are my expectations just too high? i would consider nick my one and only friend. when he is in singapore. we usually do things together. sometimes im lethargic and cant be bothered to go out. sometimes i do. and when we go out. we have so much fun together. we usually go. eh nick wanna go gym. and vice versa. or at 2am. eh jerry! wanna go for supper? then i actually cried when nick went back to australia to study. i suddenly felt so empty. my character being. i act strong on the outside. but actually very very weak in the inside. how many people actually know that? i still do cry. i still feel sad. if u know it. i know i can talk to eunice abt my problems and she will encourage me as a friend and it really does help. but how do i talk abt this kind of stuff. sometimes i hate it. when i ask ppl to go out. they push it back to me and ask me, "why u ask me? ask ur other friends lar?" and my reaction would be super sad. i dunno if anyone knows. i don really have friends. the nxt 2 close friends would be riyan and sailesh. the things they'd do for friendship are awesome. its good. however they cant go out much either. my relations is very screwed up. if i could change something. i want to change who im friends with. thinking back from primary 6 onwards. errol jesse hiren me. we were usually together. and what happened to us now? im not sure. i wont even say we r aquaintences even. thats how bad everything is. oh my, its 6am but i still wanna write some more. before everything goes off my mind. this emptiness inside me. i dunno how to fill it up. maybe i just need someone to be there for me. accompany me. more like a significant other. that can stand by me. by my side. at least accompany me. do the things that i like. together. then it aint that boring anymore. life wouldnt be so boring anymore. then again. when im in church. and after hearing the sermon. i become so fired up that i wanna do what it tells us straight away. but after that. it just fades. totally gone. then i just slack off. what can i do. this discipline. accountability. i realised that i have been forgeting a lot of things. its not short term memory. but the sudden loss of memory. am i really ill? my heart yearns for this sense of belonging. is there really someone other than God who can understand me further? theres a lot of other feelings inside me. mixed up. confused. i need to find my stand, my path, my reasoning, my purpose. while i wander aimlessly being led by God perhaps.
hope everythings come to a perfect closure. that everything is settled. sighs. from today onwards. im gonna be more disciplined. i will do my best. oyasuminasai minna san.
- I contemplated at 5:37 am
