Wednesday, April 04, 2007
ive come to realise a lot of things, friends that are really friends, friends whom you really want to keep, even though they seem like your friends, arent worth keeping. however, you must still maintain contact with them, in order to do God's will. no one shld be denied of a chance to get to noe God. fact is, im hanging on a very small hope now. a hope built on faith. before this, i talked to joshua. i just cant seem to find out what hes thinking, what he will become in the future. hes totally different, to an extend, void of emotions. the supposed closest friend somewhat drifted away. it hurt when he said shut up, it hurt when he said he cant be bothered. he never took those back. what should i do? i feel like washing my hands off joshua, but i cant.
see it, visualise it, have faith, speak it. it will come to past. all these i have done, what else do i need? i even saw myself on the stage on saturday performing during emerge. even said one day im gonna be playing for CHC. travel the world. mustard seeds recorded delirious' songs that are not yet or might not be released. to such extend is my faith. it all disappeared when someone told me they called the talent time finalists already. this void emotion. this emptiness. Pastor said that without hope, you will die. what if this hope just burned out. before this i was alright, still quite cheerful. and i realised after that, that i was just hiding all my emotions, much to an extend that it had all collected and was ready to burst. after that, i talked to God. much of my problems. no one noes off. and its really bad. i don want to noe. i don want to care abt it. its so mafan. let it solve by itself when the answer comes. thats always my logic. but this one is different. i needed someone to talk to. i didnt want to bother stephen so i left him a message. but apparently he has slept. so didnt want to bother him. i called wenshan a few times. but i guess shes sleeping too. which other leaders can i talk to? i need someone to guide me. then i talked to God. i asked Him what i shld do. He told me to jut have faith. i told Him, i do, but how if it never happens, and the hope disappears. you noe what comforting words He said to me?
my son, is this what you call faith? have you considered the measure God's ability? anything is possible with Me.
i let go of everything. i guess this time im really serious. im serious abt God. im serious about the relationship with him. i just felt this overwhelming love. an irreplaceable one. im gonna walk right with God. let him steer the car while im in the passenger seat. im so sorry Lord. im am forever at your service, at your command Lord. even if i were to give up my education and follow you, i will do so.
- this is my prayer today.
i want to say more. but oh well. its my prayer to God. its my talk with God.
- I contemplated at 1:37 am
