Friday, May 04, 2007
the fact lies with me
that im so imperfect
till a certain extend
im even ashamed of myself
i want to change
but how hard am i trying?
i want to be a better person
someone whom is more quiet
someone more softspoken
well is that even possible
might be
someone more humble
hard to achieve
a man of his words
yea i guess i must start doing a lot of stuff
i keep thinking to myself
when im full of zeal
i wanna read the papers
yet i dont
im just so lazy
how am i supposed to wake up?
someone please slap me
i wanna read inspiration books
like - rich dad poor dad
and im just stuck at the 10th page
just what the hell am i doing with my life
thinking back to my year 1 sem 1 life
i see that cookie backstabbing me
why me?
why is it always me?
God please lead me out
I'm in so much torment
if i could turn back time
i would restart my year 1 life
and go with the rest of the class
current gpa - 1.9
if i didnt fail
i would have at least gotten a 3.5
but thats only an if
how am i going to succeed?
the pressure put on me by my parents
especially my mother
its hard to juggle
worries just come flat at me
what if what if what if
i hate to do all the thinking
i try my best
yet there are a lot of things i have not done
to do
want to be done
want to change
i feel like starting a new life
i feel as if this life has been stained
i feel stressed out thinking about what i need to do
what things i need to get done
theres just to much on my mind
i need to take a break
to clear my thoughts
is my front really what im feeling on the inside of me?
the answer is no
it aint
you might see me laughing
cracking jokes
but i feel ostracised
left out by everything
sometimes it hurts
sometimes its just numbed
that smile is just a mask
a mask to hide all my sorrow
my pain
my sadness
my worries
my hurts
my past
my memories
how then will i ever be able to walk back in the proper path again
ive thought about it
and worse come to the worse
ill just retake poly
looking at ivan
im jealous
representing singapore in WSS networking
when i actually wanted to go there too
what happened?
no one bothered to contact me
they only bothered to contact me for the web designing thing
but im not interested
i came to this course for CNET
and look where they posted me
Interactive media
what on earth am i going to do nxt time
i ask myself
but is this really God's will?
they say behind every successful man
is an even successful woman
Lord WHERES MINE?
you said dream big
ive always dreamt big
set my goals for only the best
i see people getting certs
getting chosen to go for competitions
i want that too
if i can i would
and i believe i can
i know God has given me back my geniusness
is how am i going to harness it
seriously i think the school cirriculum sucks
if i had a solid 5 hour class for a certain module
given that a teacher sits beside me and teaches me
i believe ill be able to finish that which takes 10 weeks of 1 hours to complete
its a bloody waste of time
and like it or not
i noe i have talent
and they are wasting it
teachability
is what i always have
i tend not to listen
i tend to be stubborn at the start
but in the end
i always listen
Father guide me
for i know not where im going
lead me back
onto the path that you have chosen
enlighten me
about the destiny you have assignedme
release me
from all my woes and sorrows
ensure me
that i wont be alone
with you
with someone
just by my side
help me
to be like your image
a little Christ
teach me to be more humble
and less playful
and more studious
and less lazy
help me o God
in all that i do
i will put you first
and i know
you will be with me
till the ends of the earth
Amen
- I contemplated at 11:23 pm
